The other day I was talking to my very sad and frustrated seventeen year old grandson, Gabe. For him, the previous three weeks had been filled with one trial after another. Late one dark and rainy night when he was extremely tired and half awake he rolled his car. He was miraculously unhurt physically but his car was totaled and he wasn't sure when he could get another one. For a young man who was used to being able to hop in his car and drive over to see his girlfriend, his new inability to do so was frustration enough for the week.
Also, his girlfriend's father had placed new restrictions on her freedoms, and lastly, he had not done as well as he had hoped on a school test because of a misunderstanding of the instructions.
Although he was certainly trying to have the right attitude about it all, there seemed to be a part of him that wanted to blame everyone else around him for his pain.
As I listened to him I tried to remember what being seventeen years old was like. Although I can't really speak to everyone else's experience, I do have personal knowledge of my own life.
When I was seventeen, I was filled with expectation, dread, courage,fear, joy and sorrow. One minute I had purpose and drive and the next I had not a clue what to do with my life. Occasionally I was filled with wisdom and knowledge and felt like I could handle being a grown-up and then I would do something that I knew was foolish and wonder if the day would ever come when I would be able to control myself. I could hardly wait to make independent decisions for my own life but I still wanted my parents to agree with every decision that I, in my new found "adult" wisdom, chose to make. I didn't want them to mess up my thinking with their opinions and yet I expected them to pave the way for me.
Being seventeen was a confusing and wonderful time! I was young enough to still enjoy the benefits of childhood but I was old enough to be able to anticipate what I thought would be true "freedom" right around the corner. I wanted to spread my wings and take full control of every situation in my life and yet I was blissfully unaware that I was only at the very start of the restrictions that complicate a normal adult life.
For the most part, I made good decisions as a teenager. I was able to avoid a lot of the life altering pitfalls that befall many young people, even those who are trying their best to do the "right" things. I had great friends, a caring family, and a good church. I grew up in a small town in Northern Minnesota where a lot of the craziness of the 1960's seemed to be occurring in a parallel universe very, very far away. Even though I was offered things like cigarettes and beer, they were easy to resist because I truly hated the smell of both of them. While I had many guy friends, I did not have a boyfriend so sexual temptation was not an issue. I was never offered drugs of any sort so I was spared having to make a decision about them.
My very earliest memories as a child include knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me and cared for me and was with me always. Through His son, Jesus Christ I have always known forgiveness and His joy. My mother told me that at two years old I came to her and asked her to help me pray for my daddy who was away from home on business. At age four, I remember singing the song "Into my Heart" every week in Sunday School. "Come into my heart, Come into my heart, Come into my heart, Lord Jesus. Come in today, Come in to stay, Come into my heart, Lord Jesus." I meant it every time we sang the song. Later I used to make up songs of praise to sing to Jesus as I would walk home from grade school. Then, at age sixteen, I made a formal commitment to love and serve Him for the rest of my life. My life didn't really change but my purposefulness did. Now I knew in the deepest part of my being that learning how to live my life as a child of God was my most important endeavor as a person and that getting to know and understand the character of God would be my greatest challenge and joy in life. That has never changed in the over fifty years since that day of commitment.
Just to be extremely clear.... this statement does NOT mean that I have lived my life perfectly! Sadly, even though my goal has always been to love, serve, and obey God, my daily walk of life has been filled with a multitude of failures that have needed forgiveness. Since I have been trying to remember being seventeen here are a couple of examples of my weaknesses from that year... specifically disobedience and willful, cruel anger.
One day my family was going to go somewhere that I did not want to go. My dad said that it was fine if I didn't go along but I could only use my bike for transportation, I was not, under any circumstance to use the other car parked in our driveway. As soon as my parents left, I ignored that directive and decided to do what I had wanted to do in the first place. Writing this fifty years later, I have no idea what that was but I do distinctly remember feeling like my dad was being unreasonable and denying me the right to live my life as I wanted. There was a perfectly good car there and it could get me where I wanted to go. As long as I was back before Dad came home he wouldn't even need to know about it.
I grabbed the car keys, ran out to the car, opened the door, put the keys into the ignition and tried to turn it on. Then I remembered that you had to do something with the clutch. In saying that I couldn't use his car, my Dad knew something that I didn't. Even though my dad, mom. and brother all made driving that silly car look easy, there was a trick to it that I did not know. I only knew how to drive an automatic transmission and a stick shift required a set of skills and knowledge that I did not possess.
I had seen them step on the shift pedal so I did that. Chug...chug the car inched backwards down the short driveway. I stepped on the pedal again and backed up a few more inches. I thought, "Surely this will be easier when I can go forward"!!!!... Once on the street I anticipated taking off swiftly. But no.... Chug a bit, chug a bit more and after a half an hour I was about half a block away, parked in front of the stop sign. I could not get that stubborn car to go any farther. Now I really had a problem. If I left that stupid car where it was my father would surely know that I had defied him. I ran into the house and called my wonderful uncle Harold ( a busy farmer with a young family of his own who lived about 10 miles away). Over the phone I'm sure he could hear my panic as I asked him to please, please come and rescue me! He dropped everything and hurried to town, drove the car back into the driveway and parked it. He gave the keys back to me and went back home. Unfortunately, I don't remember what happened after my dad came home....I might have blocked it out.......
A few months later my brother and I were home alone. I am the oldest of five children. I have three brothers and one sister all of whom I love dearly. But, at seventeen I was much, much, much more concerned about my own life to be very involved in theirs. I cared but I did not take a lot of time to show it. My brother Bruce was only fifteen months younger than me though and while we were best friends in our early years, we had gradually become less than kind to one another. There has been no other person on earth, either before or since, who has had the unfortunate ability to "push my buttons" like him!
On this particular day I warmed up some soup and called him to come and eat it. After we sat down, he said something that caused my anger to spike and in a fit of rage I picked up my bowl and threw my hot soup at him! Startled and in pain, he looked at me in disbelief! To this day I have no memory of what made me so mad but I think I will always remember that look!
It took years for Bruce to forgive me and it changed the dynamic of our relationship for most of our adult lives. Now, we have become dear friends again and for that I am very thankful.
My sweet grandson was not asking for my advice when he was talking with me nor was he wondering what it was like for me to be seventeen . He just wanted a listening ear of someone he knew cared for him and wouldn't judge him. But, based on my remembrances of both some good and some bad from that year of my life, I have some things I would like to share with him.
First of all, life is both easy and hard, fun and boring, peaceful and riotous, predictable and chaotic. At times you can make a decision and follow it through with no problems. The next time you make a decision it might be undermined and destroyed by the decision of another. It might seem like you should have control of all that happens to you and yet, the only thing that we ever truly have full control of in life are our actions and reactions.
In each and every situation, we get to choose. As a young person about to enter the world without the protection of your parents, you get to decide which foundation of truth you want to base your life upon. In reality, all of the different ideas and philosophies of life in the world boil down to two basic world views...either you believe that the Word of God as found in the Holy Bible is all true or you do not. Either you seek to serve Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior or you do not. It is your choice. On the last day of your life it will not matter what your parents, grandparents, friends, or family believe....only what you believe and whom you have served.
That choice also extends to how you accept or reject responsibility for your actions and reactions. Obviously, in the two stories of my misbehavior I chose wrongly and irresponsibly. My actions impacted others. My disobedience caused my uncle to have to take an hour of his time to rescue me and it caused my dad's trust in me to waiver. My anger with Bruce hurt him physically for sure but it also damaged him spiritually. He no longer had respect for my brand of being a Christian and our relationship took a long, long time to recover.
I think that growing in maturity means taking responsibility for your actions and consciously refusing to lay blame on anyone else. Sometimes it is very clear that someone else is to blame for a problem in your life. For instance, if driver of a car ignores a stop sign, rams into you, and causes you great, great pain, are you to blame? No. In the eyes of the law you are in the right. But......you are still responsible for your actions and reactions. It is your decision whether or not to allow anger or bitterness, revenge or hate to creep in. It is your choice every single time!!!!
My life has been filled with triumphs and failures probably in equal measure. In looking back, I can see where I succeeded and failed in the decision I made at sixteen to serve Jesus Christ. Both the successes and failures have taught me different lessons all aimed at one outcome....that I would get to know and trust Him better and better.
That "knowing" has been a great adventure so far and I hope to continue to grow in that truth for the rest of my days. As a person, you are never done growing and as a Christian you are never done growing deeper and stronger in your faith.
Love, Sue (Grandma)
"Choose you this day whom you will serve." Joshua 24:15
